Oh, Bousan
by amaXdear
Summary: Takigawa Houshou is dating Ayako and darn happy to be doing so... Until he meets her parents. Aw crap.


When Bou-san meets Ayako's parents for the FIRST TIME…

When Naru exited his office, he found something very unusual. Bou-san was on the couch with his face in his hands, moaning. Mai and Masako sat on either side of him, patting his back sympathetically. John was sitting on the other couch, looking worried. There was a pot of tea and cookies--a whole pot!-- going uneaten/drunk on the coffee table.

"What's going on here?"

"I met Ayako's parents last night," Bou-san whispered.

"So?"

"It … was … awful. They're going to put a restraining order on me."

"I'm sure it wasn't that bad," Mai said comfortingly. "Here, have a cup of tea."

"I don't think I can ever touch a hot beverage again."

"Can you tell us what happened?" Masako asked. He nodded, looking slightly sick. Naru sat down. This looked like it was going to be interesting.

"We went to that American-style restaurant a few blocks away," he started.

--

Before they walked into the restaurant, Ayako pulled him aside. She looked nervous; she kept pulling on her nails to keep from biting them, and she had soothed so many imaginary wrinkles from her dress that it had become wrinkled.

"Remember, whatever you do, do _not_ mention that stupid band," she hissed.

"Stupid! We--"

"I don't care. And don't look down on my father, okay? Well, try not to."

"How could I do that? I'm not delusional enough to think being in a band is more important than being a doctor."

"Just don't."

She pulled him into the restaurant, which had enough atmosphere to thin the air. There was a solid mass of black suits **("Like Naru," Mai interrupted. "Shut up." "Make me!" "Children, the story." "Sorry, Masako." "Sorry, Masako.") **and little black dresses. Uncomfortably, Bou-san noticed that he was the only one with a tie-dye tie. Oops.

"Mom, Daddy!" Ayako had found her parents table and went to give her parents hugs. Bou-san cleared his throat one last time and resisted the urge to loosen his tie. "Mom, Dad, this is Takigawa Houshou," Ayako introduced proudly. "Houshou, my parents."

"Nice to meet you, Matsuzaki-san." They said polite greetings and Mr. Matsuzaki stood to shake his hand.

Oh _crap_. It would be _really_ hard not to look down on him.

--

"How tall was he?" Mai asked, delighted.

"Five feet exactly."

"That's _my _height!" Masako said, also very pleased. She was tired of being the shortest one.

"Yeah, but he's got an attitude that makes him seven feet tall," Bou-san said mournfully. "Naru-bou, I am sorry for everything I've ever said about you."

Naru sat back in his chair smugly. "I never understood what you thought was so bad."

"Right now, I can't remember either. Ordering and all that was all right, but once the food got there…"

--

There was complete and utter silence. Around them there was the faint murmur of voices, but a bubble surrounded their table and cut them off from the rest of the world. Ayako was nervous. She was all over her food but barely ate any of it, cutting the green salad into tiny little pieces until each leaf was so small, it looked like it had already been chewed. Mrs. Matsuzaki was cutting her food into pieces barely larger before eating them, and Mr. Matsuzaki was staring at Bou-san with a blank face. Occasionally a forkful of food went to his mouth, but there wasn't even the clatter of silverware inside the Bubble. Bou-san's appetite was gone.

Ayako cleared her throat, which sounded like an avalanche in the Bubble. "So … Mom, are you still doing that, er, that exercise thing?"

"The aerobics?" The older woman's face lit up. "Yes! Every Tuesday and every other Thursday, and…."

Bou-san had never known that aerobics was so boring. Mrs. Matsuzaki talked about it for ten minutes straight without any help from everyone, and he felt his brain turn off after the first word. Finally, the Bubble overpowered her. Two more minutes of silence, and then …

"What is your profession, Takigawa-san?" The old man's voice was creaking, like he didn't often use it, but deep and powerful … and scary.

"I'm a mus-- monk," he corrected quickly at Ayako's panicked glance. "From Kouya Mountain."

"Your hair?"

That hair was going to kill him. **("Well, cut it then." "Shut up and let me tell the damn story, Naru!" "Bou-san, please. Language." "Sorry, John. I'll try to stop. AS LONG AS SOMEONE PROMISES TO SHUT THE H UP!" "…Fine.")**

"Well, ah, I guess I'm not there anymore," he said with a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. _Well that's obvious, idiot_, his inner voice muttered. "I used to be, though. Now I guess I mostly do exorcisms for Nar-- er, Shibuya Kazuya, from SPR."

"Oh, yes," Mrs. Matsuzaki said with a sniff. "Ayako told me you used to laugh at her and say she couldn't be a real miko."

Both Bou-san and Ayako blushed.

"Well, not really, not after the last case …" Ayako muttered.

"And that was really more Mai than me…"

"Yes, I've heard about Mai," Mrs. Matsuzaki said, warming right up. "She sounds like such a sweet girl."

"Yeah, er, she is…"

--

"They would rather have had you there than me," Bou-san whined miserably.

"Well who wouldn't?" Mai asked smugly, at the same time Naru said "_Really_? Are you sure?"

Masako moved over to pat Bou-san's shoulder again as Mai and Naru started bickering. "That doesn't sound _that_ terrible," she encouraged.

"It gets worse."

"Oh goody!" Mai said, turning to listen.

He looked at her, stricken.

"Er, sorry, Bou-san…"

"That was just the start of it. There was practically no talking until the dessert came…"

--

"Tell us about _your_ family, Takigawa-san," Mrs. Matsuzaki-san said, cutting up apple pie into microscopic pieces. "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"Yeah, three sisters."

"Are any of them married? What are their jobs?" Mr. Matsuzaki grunted.

"Um…" His mind raced frantically. Who to talk about? His favorite sister, Kanae, the street-racing mechanic who happened to be a lesbian? Or the youngest, Ayumi, who was still in high school and ditched more classes than she attended so she could practice her Egyptian art of movement (aka belly dancing)? Possibly Moriko, who still lived with his parents and was married to an umbrella salesman? He would have to go with Moriko; she had a baby. Then again, his nephew was as ugly as a baby could get … but they didn't have to know that. **("You have very weird sisters." "Yeah, but I love every one of 'em.")**

"My youngest sister is still in high school, but Moriko is married."

"And her job?"

"She stays at home with my nephew."

He had chosen the right topic--for another ten minutes they were able to go on Mrs. Matsuzaki asking baby questions and Bou-san answering. He was relieved. It was finally almost over, and it could have been a lot worse.

--

"See? That sounds fine."

"All you're doing is making a big mess out of nothing so we feel sorry for you," Naru said impatiently. They all glared daggers at him. "What?"

"We're going to sit you down with some very unpleasant people soon and see how _you_ do," Mai said. Bou-san didn't seem to disagree with Naru, though.

"You're right, the dinner was nothing. Not when you compare into the after dinner freakin' coffee."

--

Bou-san grabbed at the coffee with relief. The strong, familiar smell finally returned his appetite, and he was grateful that Mrs. Matsuzaki was still trying to find the last pieces of apple pie that seemed to have shrunk even smaller. The pudding pie thingy on his plate looked really good. It was tall; one layer of chocolate cake, one layer of pudding, one layer of whipped cream, and a dollop of pudding. Ayako had taken advantage of the fact that he was still trying to impress her parents so he wouldn't kick her, and had stolen most of the whipped cream. He hadn't protested, but the discreet glare promised that she would pay. The look she sent back was taunting.

Then there was disaster.

_All_ he had to do was reach over to pick up the damn cup of coffee. **("Bou-san!" "Sorry, sorry.")** He was pulling it back … his lips touched the cup … his elbow touched the pudding … the whole thing fell … into … Ayako's … lap. She stood halfway, with a strangled "Hey!" and, unthinkingly, scooped up a few fingers of pudding and tossed it in his face, just like she would do if they were alone.

He couldn't help it; he laughed, and a mouthful of very hot coffee flew out … onto … Mr. Matsuzaki's … face. Horror-stricken, Bou-san stood immediately, grabbing a napkin. "I am _so_ sorry, I --"

But Mrs. Matsuzaki had also moved over to help her husband, so he had just effectively punched the woman in the face. Even more mortified, he jerked his hand back, elbowing Ayako in the process--dammit, he was taking out the whole family!

"Just--just stop moving," she commanded, massaging her ribs. "Daddy, you okay?"

He grunted an affirmative, wiping the last bits of coffee from his face.

"I am so, _so_ sorry," Bou-san said, still trying not to move.

"Hmph."

He and Ayako left two minutes later, and it couldn't have been more perfect timing. Bou-san paid for as much as he could, and he let Ayako pull him out of there as fast as he possibly could. He ran an agitated hand through his hair.

"That was a disaster," Ayako said.

"Yeah." Bou-san muttered. He looked at her apologetically. "I guess I came up a little 'short', huh? Ha ha?"

She snorted, thought for a second, and then just laughed.

Bou-san smiled too, until he heard an unappreciative grunt behind him--a dry, squeaky, deep grunt. The smile was wiped from his face. The night was, officially, the worst it could ever have been.

--

"Oh, Bou-san," Mai said, wincing.

"That's awful," Masako sympathized.

Naru was roaring with laughter.

Bou-san's head fell back into his hands.

Ayako walked into the office just then and took in the situation with one glance. She sat on the couch and pulled her boyfriend--emphasis on the boy--into a hug, so he could try and hide the fact that he was starting to cry. Just a little.


End file.
